Happy Halloween!! All Hallow’s Eve and Samhain whatnot!

It’s my friends 21st birthday! So Happy birthday Apple!!

Going out dressed as a zombeh tonight! Yay!!!! Last year I didn’t dress up at all! :O I went out with a flatmate and a friend and we were going to dress up but we didn’t, but at least I dressed up the Wednesday before.

So this year I’m hoping to look scary, pale (like usual haha), black/brown eyes, messy hair and lots of fake blood yum. Going over my friends for a mini party, bit worried as there seems to be lots of couples….I don’t wanna be a 5th wheel thank you. Apparently her boyfriends friends might be coming, who I haven’t met lol. Still, should be fun.

Speaking of going out, I need to start getting ready. I bought white make up which kinda sucks. I went to the Fancy dress shop in town on my lunch break and there was a queue to get in! When I came out the queue had doubled, and when I went past on the way home, the queue was all the way down the street haha! That was yesterday so the day before Halloween.

I’m in a happy mood today about everything, I just needed to rant. I have a killer headache though, guess as a zombie I can complain and moan lots and put blood on my head bwhahaa. I have a white shirt dress to tear up and get bloody, young Madonna type black lace gloves and black leggings. Oh ad white hair spray to grey my hair up. Eeee I love Halloween but don’t always get to celebrate it how I want. I want to do a Pumpkin but keep forgetting! Never have done one before.

On a random note Nanowrimo starts tomorrow and I still haven’t got a proper plot, just general themes. Like Steampunk/Romance/Fantasy/Murder maybe? I ran outta time it starts tomorrow! Check out the link over there somewhere ——–> I’m hoping to do a proper post tomorrow on this with a plot at least haha.

I’ll leave you with this song that is appropriate to Halloween in a way. Reaper… scary… death… Halloween!

So I’m feeling verrry down right now based on a few things. Hopefully I’ll be feeling normal tomorrow but I know others won’t. First I’ll start with the more trivial thing that’s making me feel down. Stupid men! Argh, my mood does not make for good titles. Not that I have good titles anyway.

I wrote that post about SAB (String-along-boy) and I did send him a message in the end after all. I said sorry for being rude, didn’t expect to see him yadda yadda yadda. Not much else since we haven’t spoken in aeons, which was my choice but he could have tried!! Yes I’m still bitter about that. I didn’t know what I was expecting but I was expecting a reply at least! I mean, he did grab my attention and smile and wave at me and so it’s not like he ignored me and I sent him a message after just going away from him the night before.

I know he’s been online and seen the message but he just hasn’t replied to it. So I’m not even worth answering. Okay so it’s only been a day, but he has been on and seen it and not replied and yes, I feel entitled to be melodramatic about it. Did I mean NOTHING to that guy? Seriously??? To channel my inner Greys Anatomy. Not like anyone’s reading this crap anyway so I can vent and rant it out of my system hopefully! Who likes going to bed worrying over stupid things you can’t change anyway right? Not that I’m going to sleep yet so who knows might feel better soon or not.

Then! I’ve been talking to my mum tonight, or rather she to me, about how depressed she’s been feeling lately, and I feel like I can’t do anything to make her feel better. I listened to her for as long as she wanted and she said it made her feel better, but she’s still not happy. One of the reasons she’s upset is because of my dad, or I guess it’d be easier to call him my step dad, or rather my ex step dad. They never married, and aren’t together any more, but he raised me so he’s my dad. But it’ll be easier to call him step dad here.

There’s a few reasons as to why he’s upsetting her, but I’ll write about the reason that upsets me. He’s had this new girlfriend for about 6 months and I still haven’t met her. My mum has (she said she’s lovely) and two of my brothers have but I haven’t yet. Turns out my dad’s spending Christmas with her and her daughter who’s my age. It sounds as if he talks about her, as if she is his daughter, and its like, okay so I’m being replaced? Yes I’m being childish but since he’s been with her he’s barely seen us and contacted us and now he’s not spending Christmas with us but with them?

I guess I have issues with rejection since Daddy #1 decided he wanted a different family that wasn’t his. Maybe I’m just being very angry and biased against him which makes me feel bad because he’s dead. Yeah, I have issues and I’m angry and this all probably will sound stupid tomorrow. Hmm where was I? Yes, I just feel lately he doesn’t care about us and he can replace us and I’m not his “real” daughter, but he’s still my dad, and now it’s feeling like… he’s turning less and less into a father now for us. My brother said when people ask if he has a dad, he just say’s no now. That really shocked me but I can understand, which is sucks. I don’t even know where all my thoughts are going.

Then there’s my best friend and her dad died just over a year ago so I feel guilty complaining about my own problems, not that I have about my dad to her, but that it could be worse. She’s still grieving, and now she’s having problems with her boyfriend and she doesn’t know what to do and she’s far away and I can’t help. She sent me a message and I replied, but its not the same, and talking on the phone isn’t the same as seeing her in person.

And I’m just feeling angry, rejected, upset, useless and childish at the moment.

I saw “him” last night, string-along-boy, my non-relationship ex and I wasn’t really expecting it. I went out for my friends birthday last night and it’s also the Wednesday before Halloween which also happens to be student night and tons of people are out. It was really crowded and I went to a club I haven’t been to in over a year and I walked (or squeezed past all the people) past the bar when I felt someone grab my arm. I turned around and there he was by the bar.

There were a few people around that area and he was waiting for a drink and he smiled and waved at me and I might have smiled at him, I’m not sure. If I did it would have been an awkward one and half waved back and then walked away to catch up with my friends. I didn’t know what to do. There was probably a look of panic on my face.

It’s been six months since I last saw him, when we went out for my birthday a few days before it, and I think four or five months since I cut him out of my life. He didn’t bother to contact me, maybe he was waiting for me to go back on msn and he’d act like nothing had happened like he usually did but I blocked him so I didn’t know. He could have sent messages and I wouldn’t have known, but there are other ways to contact people. His msn name was an apology to me using a nickname used between us but it wasn’t an apology to me directly.

I thought I’d be over him by now but I’m not. I still like him, I’m still angry, hurt and upset and I want him to make everything all right, but I know he won’t. I don’t think he can, and so I want the next best thing which is to be over him already. Some days I think I am, then I see something on the FB news read and I realise I’m not.

There was a time when I had thought I was over him, but it was stupid logic trying to trick myself. I kept telling everyone and myself that I was over him, and I recently saw an ex crush I used to be friendly with, so I was talking to him again, trying to forget about string-along-boy and for awhile I did. But then ex crush got a girlfriend and it sucked, but I got over it and realised that I still wasn’t over string-along-boy.

When we left the club he was standing outside talking to two girls and we walked past on the other side of the road (not on purpose they didn’t know he was there till afterwards) and I tried not to look at him. I didn’t really but saw out of the corner of my eye and he had stopped talking to those girls and was standing there watching me walk down the road with a sad expression on his face till I’d gone out of sight. Maybe I imagined it but I don’t think I did.

What I don’t get is why did he grab my attention and smile and wave like nothing had happened, he looked happy to see me, and why did he look sad when I basically ignored him walking past him. Why would that affect him. He hasn’t bothered to contact me if he missed me. All he had to do was contact me and say sorry and I probably would have forgiven him, against my better judgement. I just wanted him to show that he actually did care about me.

I feel bad about ignoring him though, at least I didn’t ignore him when I was by the bar. I don’t like ignoring people, but sometimes pretending a certain person I hate isn’t there is the only way I can handle a situation. Mature aren’t I *eye roll*. I have half a thought to send him a message saying sorry for being rude, and see what happens from there, but then again I don’t want to get sucked back into it all, but I miss him.

Writing about this may help, I’m not sure yet, but I just wanted to get all my feelings down, or well all that I can express right now. It’s a bit teenage angst isn’t it? I wanted, want, him to make me feel like I’m worth something to him. It is a bit silly to want him to just magically do the right thing. I think if he had wanted to contact me, he was to scared to do so and it was my choice cutting him out, but, if I was worth something to him like he suggested, then why didn’t he at least try?

If you don’t get the title… its from an advert

It’s been over a week since I went to London with two of my friends, to visit another friend! She moved there last year for Uni and is in her second and last year doing set management or something like that. All I know is its a lot of work, crazy, but does seem fun and she likes it.

It was just my luck to be ill, and when I’m ill… I’m really ill! Or just complain a lot! I had lectures that day and omg it was so stressful buying the tickets. I had to buy them for the other two and work out all the details and travel and times. This is what Friday was like for me.

Walk to bus station, catch bus, catch another bus. Lecture, fire drill, lunch, lecture, bus, bus, lift home. Quickly pack since I was stupid and didn’t do it the night before. Friend #1 arrives and I still haven’t finished packing, need ticket reference numbers too and internet is sloooow. Mum gives lift to train station. Wait for train. Panic that train is at a different time. Friend #2 phones and tells me where I plan to catch the megabus is actually 15 minutes away from the train station and not next to it like I thought. Panic that we won’t make it in time. Get on train at the right time after asking the ticket guy who looked at us weirdly.

Get to Cardiff, meet friend #2, RUN through Cardiff and get on the megabus with two minutes to spare. Travel for four hours to London. Meet friend #3, walk to train station, catch subway train. Walk to bus stop, catch bus, walk to friends new house after stopping in shop to buy food. Make food, eat, fall asleep after talking.

I was so tired having not much sleep over the past few days and I was ill and yeah I did not feel good at all! Woke up freezing in the morning at like every hour too. That always seems to happen when I’m sleeping over people’s houses. I wake up super early (not always freezing). The next night I made sure I slept with a hoodie and two sleeping bags haha.

So yeah Friday was a bit crazy, all tat travelling and I get motion sickness too! >.< Saturday was lovely though. Took some meds in the morning and we went off to the shops to buy food to have a picnic! Or well… eat food on a bench in Hyde park which was fuuun!

There were two pigeons by us and we fed them some food, and then more and more kept coming till there were about 30-odd. It was getting insane! Then, some birds were flying past, a huge flock of them and all the pigeons took off at once it was a bit scary. One of my friends hates pigeons when they are in the air. It was fun making them run back and forth though.

There was a protest on in London, about Sri Lanka. It was pretty depressing but we didn’t watch for long. Funny story, or not really funny but in a way. One man was shouting “Fight the killers!” and my friend thought he was shouting “Pint of guineas!”  She didn’t believe me, and I was pointing to the signs they were holding up and there were people walking in a “concentration camp” which was depressing. I don’t really know that much on what it was about to write about tbh.

We then walked through Kensington Gardens and there were millions of crazy squirrels! We were feeding them, and THREE times I tried to get a picture feeding a squirrel, this little boy would come out of no where, RUNNING at the squirrel I was feeding, shoving his phone in their faces or a leaf and I was like “Nooooo! My arch Enemy!” He didn’t speak English either, my friend tried asking him nicely to please let us just take a picture but he ignored her and carried on shoving a leaf at the squirrel till it ran the hell away from him. That happened three times, I was sooo annoyed grrr lol.

In the end I did get a photo though haha and the kid came again but this time it was TOO LATE! I’d already had a photo The ducks there were pretty crazy too but they were all so cwute *squee* Spesh the squirrels. He put his little paws on my hand and I held the food (some muffin) so I could get a picture and he was tugging at it like “Give the the freakin’ muffin already human!” It was aweshum.

We briefly went to Covent Garden which I kept calling Convent Garden. I can’t help it, it’s SO much easier to say! I got made fun of a lot though. Me and one friend got our palms read by the same woman who did it last year. My friend had the same, and mine was similar. The only difference was last time she said I’d have 4 kids, and this time she said 2.

I went to the David and Goliath shop and bought a hoodie that says “Come to the dark side, we have cookies” and glows in the dark, I loves it and its comfy I also bought a keyring from there. The only other things I bought we two phone charms (in the cinema, hello kitty and a japanese doll thing but its the wrong starsign) and a magnet for my Mum. She loves getting magnets haha. I spent loads of money though, mainly on travel and food. I used a Oyster card though which made travelling so much cheaper

We saw two performers by there, the end of their act. They asked for any little kid to come up and the little boy who did was so cute. When asked his age he said 5, then looked really worried, shock his head and said “No six!” XD He got £5 for coming up at the end, and the two guys carried on with their performance when a little toddler came strolling across and the man was like “You are too late, the moneys gone!” which was creasing, but maybe its a you-had-to-be-there way.

We went to see Buckingham Palace and the Queen was in! Sadly, we did not see her ;P Took the usual tourists photos and went to Trafalgar Square to take pictures with the Lions. Last time it was raining, and this time it was drizzly. Next time I’ll get a sunny picture I hope but I guess I’d have to not go in November or October eh? We also saw the last few minutes of the Changing on the Guard, but there were lots of tall people standing in front of us.

Hmm I’m not good at structuring this, its the same when I write essays, all over the place. So we then met up with another friend who went to London this year and went to see a film, Zombieland. It wasn’t what I expected, but it was really funny and I wouldn’t mind buying it on DVD. I loved the rules. Wasn’t sure what three of the friends would think since me and the other friend made them come see it with us, at first they were like wtf is this film! But they enjoyed it after the initial zombies eating hoooman flesh, gross.

We finallllly got back to her house and btw her room is aweshums! She has an attic room with an en suite and cool windows and yeah. It was nice. Her house mates are friendly too. Met three of them, boys and they were funny and friendly.

The next day we woke up later, had a nice breakfast. I was the last one to finish packing so by the time I got downstairs breakfast was ready, crumpets yuuum. Then off we went early so we wouldn’t miss the bus to the megabus station. I bought a Heat magazine! Last time I didn’t so I made sure I did this time, even though I don’t read it! Or others like them, only when my mum gets them which is not that often haha. We went shopping for a bit round the station and I bought two scarves for £5 which was a good deal. We took turns waiting with the bags while others looked around since we couldn’t exactly take all our luggage with us into the shops.

Then it was time to get back on the bus for a few hours, something I wasn’t looking forward too. It took an hour to get out of London but was faster getting home I think, even though the traffic would have been heavier as it was earlier. We left one friend when we got off the bus as it wasn’t fair to make her come to the train station with us, but she was worried we wouldn’t find it. I’m not that great at directions and my friend isn’t either, he’d probably end up in the completely opposite direction. I did remember how to get there by site though and we worked it out as we went and only had a few minutes to catch the train, which was packed.

An hour later and luckily my mum gave us a lift home and that was it! A fun trip, spent waay to much money on barely anything and it was nice sight-seeing London this time instead of just shopping. And I felt better than I thought I would.

So a nice long rambly post which I’ve probably missed out loads on my trip to Landaaan baby!

I don’t know why, but lately I’ve been feeling really bored. I’m doing the same things I usually do, but I just feel really bored. Maybe it’s because I’m ill.

I came home yesterday and napped for about two hours, and I think I had about nine hours sleep last night and woke up really late today, wanting even more sleep. I just haven’t have the energy to do stuff. Right now, I’m so bored I actually want to clean my room. I hardly ever clean my room. It’s a tip. My old uni room I always cleaned and it was really easy, plus I don’t like people seeing my mess. So uni where people could see my room, would see a clean and tidy room. At home though, its tiny, and there’s 19 years worth of crap here. I can’t seem to throw anything out.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like doing what I normally do. I’d clean my room but it’s pretty late, and it normally takes awhile to sort things through and I get even more in a mess trying to clean up the first mess. I also feel like exericising but I’ll ill and its late. >.<

I always feel like running when it’s dark outside and I’m ill, or in pain. Maybe its the only time I feel like it so I don’t do it huh? Since I have reasons not to. I’ll do some arm exercises or whatever though. I’ve been trying to tone my arms up for about a month using the lightest of my brothers dumbells. I’m not really sure what lingo to use here btw. So far, nothing! But I’ve been doing it every night and hopefully it’ll become a habit. Next step should be to start eating healthier and more regular hours instead of late at night.

Maybe I’m just really bored today because I’ve been ill and sleeping for most of it, or watching tv and now that I’m more awake and feeling better it’s too late to do anything except sleep, read or watch tv!

This wasn’t really that much of a post but I’m trying to get back into posting.

Something random before I go. I saw the film “Adventureland” a few weeks ago and I really loved the ‘games’ t-shirts so I bought one off ebay. It finally arrived after two weeks and I love it! Thinking about it, I should have had the ‘rides’ one since I have the same name as Lisa P! So speaking of games, I might just go play one now.

Meh, I’m ill. So’s most people I know.  This time last year I had freshers flu, for like a month. This year, i’m not a fresher and I haven’t been going out much either, so I’m ill because of nothing! Ha, sucks. I’ve been in for a few days when it just suddenly happened, and now I complain lots. I feel bad for people around me, either complaining or coughing.

Hmm last time I wrote about Forest school and stuff. I didn’t go to the school on the Wednesday because my driving instructor didn’t turn up and he wasn’t answering his phone and then I thought he thought it was later and when he finally got in touch with me (He’d had an MRI scan which was longer than he thought) it was too late to catch a bus to go to the school and I didn’t have a lesson either.  It wasn’t compulsory though and my friends so they’d know where it was. I went out for a meal that night anyway so it wasn’t like I’d done nothing. One of my friends was leaving to go to a Uni in England, so it was a leaving do meal and fun.

So Thursday! Forest School! We went to the school, which was huge, amazing and didn’t look like a school. We sat around waiting for ages and a few teachers were making sure we were okay. Our lecturer told us to go early, the teachers in the school said we could come later, so we’ll go later in future, which is only once a month. We were with the 6 year olds, and their teacher was ill, so the teacher from last year took us and instead of doing Forest School, we took them to the local park.

We let them round around the tree’s and bush area, take pictures with the child-friendly camera’s, roll down hills and play in the park. We were assigned to look after two-three children walking there. I had two girls who were really sweet and friendly. One wouldn’t stop talking to me, and the other kept saying “Can I speak now??” During the park trip one other kid, a boy attached himself to me and when we were walking back we were the last. I had two sleepy heads, the boy and one girl, who would cling to my arms and the other girl and sometimes the boy would stop to look at everything and try to pick up everything. Including a snail! Yuck haha. I remember being a kid though and loving bugs and now I’m like eeeeek! or ewww! Funny how things change.

So, it was a really fun day! Some other girls in my class thought it was boring though, but next time it should be more interesting. Anywho, Friday I had two lectures. An aid from last year (one of the girls in my course is deaf) is now a part time lecturer, so it was weird having her teach us now. At first I was thinking “where the hell do I recognise her from!” then I realised who she was and she’d grown her hair. Hmm going on a bit aren’t I?

Well Monday was Forest School training. We were going to do the activities the leaders normally do with the kids. I wanted to volunteer as they asked some people, but the days and times are so not good for me. I can’t drive, if I could I might be able to get to those places on time very early in the morning. We played name games, ran around catching people, picked colours, found “caterpillars”, were blindfolded and had to be directed places by our partners and made fairy houses. Loved it and I am a bit sad I can’t volunteer for it.

I’ll skip to to today. I had training in the uni for 3-5pm, but! I woke up a bit late and thought I’d go to the bus stop by my house instead. I never normally catch it there as the one further away has more regular buses. Anyway, I ran up and waited around for about a few minutes. There were no timetables there so I phoned the number they’d put up which no longer worked! Grrr. Then a bus finally came and the bus driver saw me and didn’t slow down. I waved my arms and he drove straight past me!!! Arrgh! I ran down the hill thinking he might stop there but he’d gone. I was SO annoyed.

There was no time left to go the the normal bus stop so I couldn’t go to training. I’ll have to try and go next week But still, stupid bloody mean bus driver!

Oh and to wrap up this random post about my week and not so much to do with the title, I went for a curry and to see Toy Story 3D tonight. I <3 Rex!

So I had my first lesson back in uni on Monday. It was only an hour and it took me an hour and half to get there, and an hour and a half to get back home on the bus. Not including waiting for the bus, swapping buses and walking from the bus stop to my house which takes 15-20 minutes. I really miss the 10 minutes it used to take me to get to class on campus, but being back at home has both the advantages and disadvantages.

For that module I’m really excited about. Its all about outdoor play and you actually get to work with children. What we do is Forest School. You take a bunch of kids out into the wild, by a stream, up a hill, in the woods etc. We’ll be going up a giant hill mountainy thing, not sure what its called. We go to the school, and we walk with the kids there and let them explore and do whatever they want to. Climb tree’s, run around, jump in puddles. The kids have outfits and wellies to wear so they can get as wet and muddy as they want. There’s a really high adult to child ration as well, so that’s why its possible to let the kids roam wherever they want. There’s enough teachers and students to keep an eye on all the kids.

My class go in groups of eight only for four times a year and each group is assigned to one classroom. My group gets the older kids, so they’ve done this for a few years and know what to do, and will listen more hopefully. I’m with some friends and some other girls I don’t really know but they seem okay. We were also given these kiddie camera’s to take photographs with. They look like toys and we can let the children use them to take pictures.

I’m really excited about this! I have my wellies and coat and stuff ready to wear! We have to meet the class first tomorrow, then we’ll be doing Forest School on Thursday. We’re the first group so it’s a bit worrying. We then have Forest School training on Monday, so its a bit out of order, but that should be fun too. I can volunteer with that and other things, such as discovery. Hopefully that’ll give me a lot of experience and therefore help me get a job when I graduate!

Now tomorrow I have a driving lesson, which makes it a bit hard to get to the primary school on time by 2pm. My lessons for an hour, and then I have an hour and a quarter to make it to the school on time. If the bus takes 30-45 mins I’d get to town and then maybe catch another bus to the school or get a lift or I don’t know what’s going on. I get stressed trying to sort arrangements out.

I had to plan and buy and find out the times for me and my friend to go visit another friend in London. She’s in Cardiff and I’m in Swansea and I have lessons and had to work out what train to get there to get to the coach on time etc. My friend didn’t have internet either so I had to phone her a few times, and then another friend wanted to go. He’s not good with technology but luckily I could get some more tickets, and its really cheap to get there. Just £12 on a coach travelling for a few hours. And for trains to get to Cardiff and back that should cost about £14. So much cheaper than the £60 I spent on train tickets last year!

Wow, I forgot about blogging again. I guess I prefer reading other peoples blogs and wishing I wrote like them and realise I can’t. Mainly the blogs I mainly read are fashion blogs, mommyblogs and food blogs. I’m too lazy and poor to be fashionable (but might try), don’t have kids (but want to work with kids, I like the crafty sites) and I can’t cook (but I can microwave!). So yeah, the blogs I read, are pretty random and don’t exactly relate to me, but I like the writing styles and content.

Anywho, I thought I’d posted something this month at least, but turned out I haven’t. I don’t want to go months again without posting, because then I’ll go more and more months without posting and so on. I’ve still had visitors though. The post I wrote awhile back on two books I’d read, “Tomorrow when the war began” and “The Looking Glass Wars“, is still getting a lot of hits. Maybe I should write more posts about books? I’ve read “The Host” and the “The Dead of Night” recently. That latter being the second book in the Tomorrow series. So if people are interesting in John Marsdens books maybe I should write a reveiw about the second one in the series soon.

I’d also like to post those “what I wore today” outfits, but… well who knows. Oh and a step-by-step on how to make riceballs! And just random things like that, but then again I’m lazy!

Lately I’ve been doing nothing since I was laid off. Two other people were laid off from there too, for the same reasons but they got to stay there longer than me. Wait actually maybe less or the same amount of time since they started work there a month after me. I feel bad. The last guy’s wife is doing a degree and they have two kids and he really needed that job, and he was full time. The other person phoned in ill a lot and was part time, so it makes sense, like with me. I heard though that they were getting rid of the three newest. Me being included in that. FIVE people were hired after me (not including the one who was hired after me and quit for another job). So that’s kinda annoying, since others were hired after me.

I’ve just been doing the usual, doing pub quiz (but not the past two weeks), cinema, shopping, going for a coffee and chat (but I don’t drink coffee) with some friends. The worst thing was not having a schedule. I’ve been having nightmares every night for the past month. I don’t remember most of them, but it leaves me feeling really tired when I wake up. It takes forever for me to get to sleep too. So I need to catch up in the day, which means I can’t get to sleep again till late at night. It sucks, stupid cycle of sleep!

Also I need about three alarms to wake me up. My mums alarm broke so she has mine, meaning I just have the alarms on my phone which are not enough to wake me up. I need to sort this out soon since Uni starts back next week.

I signed up last Monday, all my modules are picked! Instead of living on campus I’m back at home so it takes me two hours to get to class instead of ten now, sigh. I went to the Freshers Fayre on Wed and met up with my ex flatmate who I get on with. I might sign up to a few things which I’ll talk about if I do, mainly the Japanese class and Discovery, a volunteer thing. The only good freebies I got was a shoulder bag and uh… a pen? I got 10% discount of a really pretty bracelet though I then went to see my friends new house. It is amazing!

When I went house hunting last year, all the houses were disgusting and grungy. His house was lush, I want it! Haha. Walking there we also saw three guinea pigs out in someone’s garden. Very cute, but they were left by themselves and I was worried they’d jump off the walls or cats would get them. My friend said they’d be fine. My feet were ruined at the end of that day. I’d worn pretty, but evil pumps. They’re normally fine, but if I wear shoes now, any shoes, my feet really hurt

Hmmm where was I going? I don’t really know. I should leave it at this. A random, pretty useless post is better than no post I suppose.

I was “let go” today. Which basically means I was fired. Geez I lasted long didn’t I? Just over three months. Which is good I suppose. Another place wouldn’t hire me because I hadn’t worked anywhere for longer than three months (with customers) and now I have. Trying to see the cup half full here.

I haven’t had many shifts lately. I normally did three days a week which was good. Then I did a crazy six days in a row, which wasn’t as bad as I thought it would have been. Since then I did maybe two days a week, and then just one day this week. A sunday.

My superviser came in today, she never comes in on sundays, I saw I had no shifts for next week, so when my co-worker told me my superviser wanted to see me, I thought it might be about shifts. I was meant to be covering for a friend who was quitting (quit now for uni) in September onwards. So that would have been Saturday and Sunday. However my other friend (who helped me get the job there) said that I might just be doing Sundays from now on.

I joked as I went into the office “I’m not being fired now am I?” and she said no, or not really etc. I’m not being fired, but I’m not being kept on either. Same thing really. She looked really worried, and kept saying sorry, which made me feel worse, and then made her feel worse, ha, stupid circle right?

See they were not making enough money. They usually make loads of money in Summer because of the car boot sales on every sunday. Except its been raining so people pack up and leave and there are less customers wandering into the shop. Sundays should be hectic, they haven’t been for awhile. Stupid rain right? Lost me a job.

Obviously they’d fire me, I’m part time and new, so it makes sense. She said other people will be loosing their jobs, or full-time staff getting their hours reduced. Could be from the main shop, or the three other shops. I don’t know yet. I might know when I pick up my last paycheck (for just four hours, how pitiful, I could have made it to six but after being fired she said I could go home if I wanted, so I did.) Or I could always ask my friend.

She used to work three days and sometimes did overtime, now she’s just doing one day, which she’s happy with. She wanted that what with getting our uni hours and having time to see her fiance. Now I’m back to square one.

I guess its not all rain and doom and blah blah blah. I don’t have to wake up super early (to me) anymore? and have aching feet, but they have got used to it now ha. I can plan ahead and do things now, since my shifts changed weekly, and I can see my friend in London. It would have to be a weekend which I would have been working had I a job, and I wasn’t sure when I could have time off.

I know there are worse things in life, but it still sucks. I had plans, big plans! Plans involving learning how to drive and buying a car. Can’t really do that now, or I could, but never ever go out and buy anything! So whats the point of having a car when I can’t use it to go places etc? I was going to use my student loan to pay for the car, and I need that now for student life, so no point learning to drive if I have nothing to drive right? Plus I kinda hate it, and haven’t really got it yet.

My driving instructer tells me off a lot. (He does that to everyone, my brother and his friends, my friend etc) but I’ve only have five hours and he expects me to know how to do everything already, thats his style. At the end of the last lesson he said in a dissappointed tone “Maybe I’m expecting too much from you”. So, thats not been going well.

You know whats not been going well either? Besides driving and being fired? I’ve have an allergic rash to either a scarf or earings for the past week. It flared up last sunday, and its only gone today. I had red dots all over my neck, chest and ears. The ears were the worst, and still itch now and are flaky from the red dots, gross I know.

I’ve bought some nice things from ebay and a coat from New Look etc, and I’ve been a bit spend crazy. Not that much but compared to how I was before. Maybe I should have saved more, thats what my mum kept saying. Oh well, can use the student loan now I’m not using it for a car.

I’ll have to try for other jobs but its really hard obviously. Everyones looking for jobs and who will hire me? A few years of a paper round and only three months of a “proper” job at the age of nineteen when they’d rather hire people with more experience.

I liked working there, even if I grumbled a bit (a lot?). The people were nice, it wasn’t far, or that hard. They took me on knowing I hadn’t done work like that before. I worked hard and was nice to the customers and they were nice too. There were some horrible ones, but only like 8% of the people were horrible. It was nice to have money too.

There were the people who came daily from their work, or weekly who I knew. Old people who were lonely and liked to talk and it was interesting. I had weird ones too. This man, in his thirties was staring at me teeth saying I had pretty teeth etc, it was weird and embarrassing and he kept going on and on and on.

Oh well, a summer job which it now is, was better than no job at all. And I haven’t even mentioned the squirrels.

We don’t know how but they get in and eat the welsh cakes. So they set traps for them and there was one in it today. I got to see it before they took it away. They release the squirrels in a certain park. He/She was really cute, but very scared. Whenever someone went into the warehouse it freaked out in the trap with bits of welsh cake. I took some photos on my phone but I can’t upload them. It hunched its back and always had to face you, hissed and grabbed onto the wire. So cute and funny, but I also felt really bad for it. I guess that squirrel was “let go” as well today, lame type of joke?

Well, that was a long rambly post with a random ending, but I guess I’ll wrap up now. I did miss having a “Summer Holiday” even though I didn’t work that much and its been raining, but until September the 28th, when my course starts I’m free. So thats just under a month and I have a list of things I want and need to do. Just not today, I’ll wallow in being jobless again and go to the pub quiz like always.

Pinched from Dumblittleman, a list of 39 ways to live your life, and not just exist. I actually found it on Twitter, from the guy who created the 101 things in 1001 days idea.

1. Love. Perhaps the most important. Fall in love, if you aren’t already. If you have, fall in love with your partner all over again. Abandon caution and let your heart be broken. Or love family members, friends, anyone — it doesn’t have to be romantic love. Love all of humanity, one person at a time.
2. Get outside. Don’t let yourself be shut indoors. Go out when it’s raining. Walk on the beach. Hike through the woods. Swim in a freezing lake. Bask in the sun. Play sports, or walk barefoot through grass. Pay close attention to nature.
3. Savor food. Don’t just eat your food, but really enjoy it. Feel the texture, the bursts of flavors. Savor every bite. If you limit your intake of sweets, it will make the small treats you give yourself (berries or dark chocolate are my favorites) even more enjoyable. And when you do have them, really, really savor them. Slowly.
4. Create a morning ritual. Wake early and greet the day. Watch the sunrise. Out loud, tell yourself that you will not waste this day, which is a gift. You will be compassionate to your fellow human beings, and live every moment to its fullest. Stretch or meditate or exercise as part of your ritual. Enjoy some coffee.
5. Take chances. We often live our lives too cautiously, worried about what might go wrong. Be bold, risk it all. Quit your job and go to business for yourself (plan it out first!), or go up to that girl you’ve liked for a long time and ask her out. What do you have to lose?




6. Follow excitement. Try to find the things in life that excite you, and then go after them. Make life one exciting adventure after another (with perhaps some quiet times in between).




7. Find your passion. Similar to the above tip, this one asks you to find your calling. Make your living by doing the thing you love to do. First, think about what you really love to do. There may be many things. Find out how you can make a living doing it. It may be difficult, but you only live once.
8. Get out of your cubicle. Do you sit all day in front of computer, shuffling papers and taking phone calls and chatting on the Internet? Don’t waste your days like this. Break free from the cubicle environment, and do your work on a laptop, in a coffee shop, or on a boat, or in a log cabin. This may require a change of jobs, or becoming a freelancer. It’s worth it.




9. Turn off the TV. How many hours will we waste away in front of the boob tube? How many hours do we have to live? Do the math, then unplug the TV. Only plug it back in when you have a DVD of a movie you love. Otherwise, keep it off and find other stuff to do. Don’t know what to do? Read further.




10. Pull away from Internet. You’re reading something on the internet right now. And, with the exception of this article, it is just more wasting away of your precious time. You cannot get these minutes back. Unplug the Internet, then get out of your office or house. Right now! And go and do something.
11. Travel. Sure, you want to travel some day. When you have vacation time, or when you’re older. Well, what are you waiting for? Find a way to take a trip, if not this month, then sometime soon. You may need to sell your car or stop your cable bill and stop eating out to do it, but make it happen. You are too young to not see the world. If need be, find a way to make a living by freelancing, then work while you travel. Only work an hour or two a day. Don’t check email but once a week. Then use the rest of the time to see the world.
12. Rediscover what’s important. Take an hour and make a list of everything that’s important to you. Add to it everything that you want to do in life. Now cut that list down to 4-5 things. Just the most important things in your life. This is your core list. This is what matters. Focus your life on these things. Make time for them.
13. Eliminate everything else. What’s going on in your life that’s not on that short list? All that stuff is wasting your time, pulling your attention from what’s important. As much as possible, simplify your life by eliminating the stuff that’s not on your short list, or minimizing it.
14. Exercise. Get off the couch and go for a walk. Eventually try running. Or do some push ups and crunches. Or swim or bike or row. Or go for a hike. Whatever you do, get active, and you’ll love it. And life will be more alive.
15. Be positive. Learn to recognize the negative thoughts you have. These are the self-doubts, the criticisms of others, the complaints, the reasons you can’t do something. Then stop yourself when you have these thoughts, and replace them with positive thoughts. Solutions. You can do this!
16. Open your heart. Is your heart a closed bundle of scar tissue? Learn to open it, have it ready to receive love, to give love unconditionally. If you have a problem with this, talk to someone about it. And practice makes perfect.
17. Kiss in the rain. Seize the moment and be romantic. Raining outside? Grab your lover and give her a passionate kiss. Driving home? Stop the car and pick some wildflowers. Send her a love note. Dress sexy for him.
18. Face your fears. What are you most afraid of? What is holding you back? Whatever it is, recognize it, and face it. Do what you are most afraid of. Afraid of heights? Go to the tallest building, and look down over the edge. Only by facing our fears can we be free of them.




19. When you suffer, suffer. Life isn’t all about fun and games. Suffering is an inevitable part of life. We lose our jobs. We lose our lovers. We lose our pets. We get physically injured or sick. A loved one becomes sick. A parent dies. Learn to feel the pain intensely, and really grieve. This is a part of life — really feel the pain. And when you’re done, move on, and find joy.
20. Slow down. Life moves along at such a rapid pace these days. It’s not healthy, and it’s not conducive to living. Practice doing everything slowly — everything, from eating to walking to driving to working to reading. Enjoy what you do. Learn to move at a snail’s pace.
21. Touch humanity. Get out of your house and manicured neighborhoods, and find those who live in worse conditions. Meet them, talk to them, understand them. Live among them. Be one of them. Give up your materialistic lifestyle.
22. Volunteer. Help at homeless soup kitchens. Learn compassion, and learn to help ease the suffering of others. Help the sick, those with disabilities, those who are dying.




23. Play with children. Children, more than anyone else, know how to live. They experience everything in the moment, fully. When they get hurt, they really cry. When they play, they really have fun. Learn from them, instead of thinking you know so much more than them. Play with them, and learn to be joyful like them.




24. Talk to old people. There is no one wiser, more experienced, more learned, than those who have lived through life. They can tell you amazing stories. Give you advice on making a marriage last or staying out of debt. Tell you about their regrets, so you can learn from them and avoid the same mistakes. They are the wisdom of our society — take advantage of their existence while they’re still around.




25. Learn new skills. Constantly improve yourself instead of standing still — not because you’re so imperfect now, but because it is gratifying and satisfying. You should accept yourself as you are, and learn to love who you are, but still try to improve — if only because the process of improvement is life itself.
26. Find spirituality. For some, this means finding God or Jesus or Allah or Buddha. For others, this means becoming in tune with the spirits of our ancestors, or with nature. For still others, this just means an inner energy. Whatever spirituality means for you, rediscover it, and its power.




27. Take mini-retirements. Don’t leave the joy of retirement until you are too old to enjoy it. Do it now, while you’re young. It makes working that much more worth it. Find ways to take a year off every few years. Save up, sell your home, your possessions, and travel. Live simply, but live, without having to work. Enjoy life, then go back to work and save up enough money to do it again in a couple of years.
28. Do nothing. Despite the tip above that we should find excitement, there is value in doing nothing as well. Not doing nothing as in reading, or taking a nap, or watching TV, or meditating. Doing nothing as in sitting there, doing nothing. Just learning to be still, in silence, to hear our inner voice, to be in tune with life. Do this daily if possible.




29. Stop playing video games. They might be fun, but they can take up way too much time. If you spend a lot of time playing online games, or computer solitaire, or Wii or Gameboy or whatever, consider going a week without it. Then find something else to do, outside.
30. Watch sunsets, daily. One of the most beautiful times of day. Make it a daily ritual to find a good spot to watch the sunset, perhaps having a light dinner while you do so.
31. Stop reading magazines. They’re basically crap. And they waste your time and money. Cancel your subscriptions and walk past them at the news stands. If you have to read something, read a trashy novel or even better, read Dumb Little Man once a day and be done.
32. Break out from ruts. Do you do things the same way every day? Change it up. Try something new. Take a different route to work. Start your day out differently. Approach work from a new angle. Look at things from new perspectives.
33. Stop watching the news. It’s depressing and useless. If you’re a news junky, this may be difficult. I haven’t watch TV news or read a newspaper regularly in about two years. It hasn’t hurt me a bit. Anything important, my mom tells me about.
34. Laugh till you cry. Laughing is one of the best ways to live. Tell jokes and laugh your head off. Watch an awesome comedy. Learn to laugh at anything. Roll on the ground laughing. You’ll love it.
35. Lose control. Not only control over yourself, but control over others. It’s a bad habit to try to control others — it will only lead to stress and unhappiness for yourself and those you try to control. Let others live, and live for yourself. And lose control of yourself now and then too.
36. Cry. Men, especially, tend to hold in our tears, but crying is an amazing release. Cry at sad movies. Cry at a funeral. Cry when you are hurt, or when somebody you love is hurt. It releases these emotions and allows us to cleanse ourselves.




37. Make an awesome dessert. I like to make warm, soft chocolate cake. But even berries dipped in chocolate, or crepes with ice cream and fruit, or fresh apple pie, or homemade chocolate chip cookies or brownies, are great. This isn’t an every day thing, but an occasional treat thing. But it’s wonderful.




38. Try something new, every week. Ask yourself: “What new thing shall I try this week?” Then be sure to do it. You don’t have to learn a new language in one week, but seek new experiences. Give it a try. You might decide you want to keep it in your life.
39. Be in the moment. Instead of thinking about things you need to do, or things that have happened to you, or worrying or planning or regretting, think about what you are doing, right now. What is around you? What smells and sounds and sights and feelings are you experiencing? Learn to do this as much as possible through meditation, but also through bringing your focus back to the present as much as you can in everything you do.

I want to change the way I live, the way I do things, think, eat, love, hate. I want to change who I am to be a better person, because whilst I don’t hate or dislike myself right now, there are parts of myself I do hate or dislike, along with the parts I do like. I can’t change completely, and I don’t want to change completely, but I just need to stop being lazy and get motivated.

Lists like the above one, and the 101 things to do in 1001 days project, motivate me, and I just need to keep re-reading them and actually do something. Baby steps at first, but hopefully they’ll become a habit, become nature for me.

Some of the ways to live life on that list I am already doing or want, others I can’t do at this moment. Whether that means I can in a few years of a few months depends on each one. Others I doubt I’ll ever do, because thats just me, but there’s the potential to do more.

I really need to start blogging again, at first its because I was working and too tired and was barely on the internet anyway. Now its because its been too much time, I wanted to write about other things and couldn’t. Which I’ve mentioned on here a few times. But reading this tonight, I thought hmm, even though its not a proper post from me, not like anyone reads, but I want to change. I want to become a better blogger, if at the end of these three years (two left) I’m not, then at least I tried.

Some things I want to do which I can change now, are random things like learn to drive (have a lesson per week), a clean tidy room, donate/get rid of clothes (whenever bags come round I’ve put things in), start running (either I’m tired, have work, sucky weather etc, need to just do it one day) but I can do it now.

Maybe someone will stumble across this post, and even if they don’t read the rest of this, hopefully they’ll read the 39 ways to live list and it might inspire them too.